Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
That’s what I asked my Mother in Law as we left the Homegoods today.
Yes, I know it’s rude to announce “ARE YOU SHITTIN’ ME” in the middle of the Homegoods. But it needed to be said.
In the check out line before us, stood a woman, some item in her hand, red sticker to indicate that it was half off stuck upon it, demanding her money back.
That’s not at all rude. One should ask for a refund when one is unhappy with ones purchase.
However, according to the Poor Dude Behind the Register, the SKU indicated that the particular item she was trying to return was purchased in May, 2009.
Because there’s some bullshit tradition about the customer always being right, this Poor Dude Behind the Register was able to offer her half off from the half off she paid for it during the last decade. That’s pretty generous, considering this item had probably been regifted (red sticker in tact) about half a dozen times, and eventually banished to a plastic bag from another store, where it sat in the trunk of this woman’s 2010 leased Mercedes S Class, since December 2010.
Bitch wasn’t happy. She asked if she could get the full refund if she came back with a receipt, to which I declared “ARE YOU SHITTIN’ ME??”
She’s got to be shitting someone. She can’t be real. I had to rub my eyes and make for sure I was looking at an actual woman. Because it took a seriously jumbo size pair of nads for ANYONE to walk into a store and demand a full refund on some shit they bought two years ago.
This chick has never heard of Ebay? Or Craigslist? Or Goodwill? Because times are tough. Someone else could really benefit from the $5.00 refund she was going get back to use at the Starbucks across the lot. (Where she'd demand a Sanka, I'm sure.)
I could have used it for a tank and a half of gas. Or better yet, to buy some poster board and glitter markers so I could have made a giant sign that said "ARE YOU SHITTIN’ ME" and protested against "Absurd Refunds" outside of the store.
Because...are you shittin’ me? If you’re going to nut up so hard core you need to demand a refund like that, at least do it gracefully, and humbly. Say please, thank you, so sorry for the trouble, and tell a white lie like “I don’t know where the time went.”
“I’m coming back with the receipt.” Why didn’t she come in with the receipt in the first place? As if that’s her trump card. She’s getting that $5.00 at any cost!! You know bitches mean business when they bust out a tore up, faded receipt that probably once served as a plate for the chewed, flavor drained gum from her pool boy.
The bees say “She’s not shittin’ you. Now stop swearing in public, you resolution buster.”
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I learned a Bit o’ Honey coming straight from the Streets over this past weekend. It was so exciting!! There’s nothing I love more than discovering the process of customs and protocol of all cultures, both sub-cultures and those exploited on TLC.
For real. Shizz gets me off.
So I was just happier than a hipster after a Band of Horses show at the IHOP at 4:00AM to be told that THIS VISUAL supposedly means something...
Oh my God, shoes.
Back in the good old days, when I was a wee tot, when you saw shoes thrown up on a power line, it only meant one thing; that bullies were afoot, that some kid kissed the ground, got himself a wedgie so atomic that it could split an atom, and was then left to run home in barefooted shame to his momma.
Now-a-days, I guess shoes on a wire supposedly means that DRUG R US is in business, and it’s in business in the building where the shoes are.
WHO KNEW?? Well, those in street drug trade, I suppose. But, I did not! Now I have been informed!!
Granted, I’m not usually looking up at the sky and admiring the view when in the alley. I’m trying to not get run over, trying to dodge The Dog Molester (another blog for another time.) or I’m semi-creeping the building across from ours so I can admire Hot Lenny Kravitz Guy from afar. (Also another blog for another time.)
Not for me, of course. For Kaydee, because I’m always looking out for my girl.
I have to start making a list of these blogs for another time. The Dog Molester is notorious for both being rude and molesting dogs. Hot Lenny Kravitz Guy is a walking embodiment of all that is hot and glorious in all of Rogers Park. Not just a feast for the eyes, Hot Lenny Kravitz Guy goes out of his way to wave hello to you from down the alley, and makes sincere small talk that isn't uncomfortable or is forced out like a hard turd.
May we take a moment to honor Hot Lenny Kravitz Guy just on principle alone.........
........So those kicks may have been kickin’ it up there for a while. We did have some emo-kids that were squatting in a unit, and using my beloved back gate and dumpster as their own VIP entry way to their assessment free living arrangement. But I haven’t seen any wayward college kids in our courtyards, coppin’ a squat Indian style, and hijacking a wireless connection whilst they wait for “that guy with the key” to come home so they can “get their shit and catch the Greyhound to Cali for Coachella” in a while. So, business is probably closed for the winter. Or even better, permanently.
But yeah; shoes on a wire. Not as pretty as birds on a wire, but much more creative for supposed marketing purposes.
And now you know too!
FWIW; Should this Bit o Honey be completely incorrect, unfounded, or a mere urban legend, please let me know. CORRECT knowledge is even more powerful!