Monday, November 15, 2010

Sicky Pooh!

Alas, it is the time of year where the Cootie Bird likes to fly over all of our houses, dropping sweet shits of SARS over each and every one of us just in time for the holidays.

Ring the yule tide bell, natures special gift to you is that you’re contagious, that way you can share the love as well. Ho, ho, (sneezehackpukecough) ho!!

There are some people who avoid this festive party where the Sudafed is served from champagne flutes and the Advil comes en croute. The flu shot works its magic on them, giving them the RSVP Pass to the VIP Room of Health. But not everyone is that lucky. Actually, I can think of more people who had the flu shit (funny typo that works) and still had their asses handed to them, than those who didn’t get it and survived flu season unscathed.

With that said, as I stand here on the line between health and being an cootie monger, I would like to offer two nuggets of love and wisdom for those who have friends who are illin’, and would like to be of service.

Here are two things you should not do:

  • Tell your illin’ friend that they should have have a flu shot. No one cares. It’s too late now. It doesn’t matter. “I told you so” only works during Jackass-esque pranks that land you in jail. At any other time, they just make you look like an ass hole. If you’re cool with looking like an ass hole, then by all means, “I told you so/Shoulda gotten a flu shot” away. But stay the fuck away from me, because I will breathe on you on purpose, and be standing next to your illin’ bed with a pot of soup (that I probably spit in) going all “How’s that flu shot working for you?”

  • In case you didn’t know, when someone tells you that they are sick, it is not an open invitation to compare sick notes of how or when you are/were sicker. Now's not a time for medical one-upmanship or tales of woe swapping. Just STFU & pass the Kleenex to the infected ho on the left.

Here's what would be nice to hear...

“...You poor thing. I had that last year. It took forever to shake it off, but at least it’s time to catch up on your DVR playlist, no? Do you need anything? Please call me if you do. I hope you feel better quickly.”

It is not ok to say this....

“...blah blah blah “insert name of technical diagnosis that you learned on here” blah blah blah “hospital for a month” blah blah blah “I know someone who DIED FROM THAT!

Yes, telling people that their bought with flu will result in death is never helpful. Not to anyone. Ever.

With that said, I now return to nursing my martini of tea, honey and gin, and my tomato bisque with sourdough croutons. Just because one is sick, doesn't mean one should suffer!


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I want my $80!!!

My mouth to God’s ears, I have a perfectly legitimate reason for treating this blog like a stepchild. Perhaps one day, I’ll share with you the tale of the 18 month long, $20,000 waste of time fuckery that was an attempt to adopt a child.

But for now, more important matters are pressing.

God Bless the HS Reunion that is upon us all. Or rather, upon the other 700-or something souls that I graduated with. I will not be attending this drunken compare-contrast fest. To get all of the information that I need to feel validated, I can just lurk on Facebook for free, as opposed to shit out $80 -$100 to feed the proverbial animals face to face.

But times are tough! It’s hard on the street for the affluent. My eyes were just accosted by a giant etiquette snafu so grievous that would make Emily Post sit up in her casket, and shit on herself in pure, tacky, and holy horror.

The crime; attendees who have not prepaid to party at the party of the century have been called out to cough up the cash or be shamed for all of the nets to gawk at.

Never mind the fact that people were giving the option to pay $80 early at a discount rate, or spit up the full $100 rate at the Gates of Hell once they arrived all Club Monaco clad at the oh-so chic venue. So much for choices. The Pom Poms have spoken!

OBVIOUSLY, (I love you Antoine Dodson) this shout out isn’t because the peeps running the showboat are actually concerned about making sure fellow classmates save a few bucks for their tickets for this hot mess. Nope. My best guess is that the peeps running the showboat probably need the cash money to pay for this brew-ha-ha. My guess is that otherwise, they’ll have to piss out the difference from their own pockets.

Which, I agree, is the wild suck. No good deed goes unpunished, and that includes party planning for a well intentioned cause. But no one asked them to plan a fancy soiree where $80-$100 would be needed for an evening of well drinks and cocktail weenies. Actually, it was suggested long ago to have a more family friendly, cost conscious get together. Some poor soul got dog piled and had his ass handed to him for being the dirty fucker to speak such blasphemy as to defame the tradition of going to a reunion for it’s real purpose. That purpose is not be to reunited, but to see and be seen.

So with that said, where are the High School Bees when you need them?

The Bees ask, wouldn’t it make more sense, and be less gauche (my new favorite word) to contact those on the $80 naughty mat privately to beg for the funds in a more dignified, less intrusive manner? Perhaps a little note with an apology for reneging on the option to pay at the door? Since the attendees are getting a shake down for their fucking $80, they should at least know why...

Dear HS Reunion Attendee,

We know we said you could pay at the door, but that was some bull crap we just said to look all proper and shit. We need cash money now because out of a class of 700 or so, our asses could only dig up about 300, of which only about 160 are coming. Of those 160, only about 100 or so of them are bona fide former students. That means, our asses are holding a bill that we can’t pay for. We’re worried that come the night of the reunion, most people will come to their senses. Instead of coming down on a cold winters night to fight for parking and hang out with people they don’t like, they’ll stay home with their families and enjoy yet another cozy night of Thanksgiving left overs and a Cops Marathon on G4. Whatchugonnadowhentheycomeforyou?

So, won’t you please help support the Class of 19HOLYDAMNITSBEENTHATLONG, and prepay your $80, so that the handful of us who actually do care about this endeavor won’t have to.

Go High Skool!

Yup. That’s how Bootsy would do it.

Update as of 11/15 The guest count is now up to 190, and I'm sure those crazy kids will break 250 by time of the ho-down! For that, I am honestly glad that no one had to pay out of pocket for weenies and wine. I'm also glad that this means tear stained, emails begging for money has come to an end. I'm now waiting for the tear stained, emails of pics with people begging to be untagged to begin. That's reunion enough for me! Boogie down.

Update 12/8 I have since seen said pics, and I have to say that the Reunion Kids put on a quite a show! It really did look like a nice party. No well drinks or cocktail weenies in sight!! It was the good shizz and fancy hors devours you'd see on Bitchen Kitchen on The Cooking Channel. People got gift bags in school colors! The class douche bag delivered on his douche baggery by being on the douche to wear an Ed Hardy T-Shirt! But most of all, people that seemed so bigger than life to me all those years ago, were totally, 100% unrecognizable to me now. This makes me rethink my entire position on this HS reunion, as well as all of the others. After all, I must confess my dirty secret of the underbelly, that I was on the planning committee of our last reunion. I thought I had gotten all off this bullshit out of my system then, and I did, until the begging for money started.

I must ponder and post more when I don't have a DVR of Glee to watch. TTFN....