Alas, it is the time of year where the Cootie Bird likes to fly over all of our houses, dropping sweet shits of SARS over each and every one of us just in time for the holidays.
Ring the yule tide bell, natures special gift to you is that you’re contagious, that way you can share the love as well. Ho, ho, (sneezehackpukecough) ho!!
There are some people who avoid this festive party where the Sudafed is served from champagne flutes and the Advil comes en croute. The flu shot works its magic on them, giving them the RSVP Pass to the VIP Room of Health. But not everyone is that lucky. Actually, I can think of more people who had the flu shit (funny typo that works) and still had their asses handed to them, than those who didn’t get it and survived flu season unscathed.
With that said, as I stand here on the line between health and being an cootie monger, I would like to offer two nuggets of love and wisdom for those who have friends who are illin’, and would like to be of service.
Here are two things you should not do:
- Tell your illin’ friend that they should have have a flu shot. No one cares. It’s too late now. It doesn’t matter. “I told you so” only works during Jackass-esque pranks that land you in jail. At any other time, they just make you look like an ass hole. If you’re cool with looking like an ass hole, then by all means, “I told you so/Shoulda gotten a flu shot” away. But stay the fuck away from me, because I will breathe on you on purpose, and be standing next to your illin’ bed with a pot of soup (that I probably spit in) going all “How’s that flu shot working for you?”
- In case you didn’t know, when someone tells you that they are sick, it is not an open invitation to compare sick notes of how or when you are/were sicker. Now's not a time for medical one-upmanship or tales of woe swapping. Just STFU & pass the Kleenex to the infected ho on the left.
Here's what would be nice to hear...
“...You poor thing. I had that last year. It took forever to shake it off, but at least it’s time to catch up on your DVR playlist, no? Do you need anything? Please call me if you do. I hope you feel better quickly.”
It is not ok to say this....
“...blah blah blah “insert name of technical diagnosis that you learned on WEBMD.com here” blah blah blah “hospital for a month” blah blah blah “I know someone who DIED FROM THAT!”
Yes, telling people that their bought with flu will result in death is never helpful. Not to anyone. Ever.
With that said, I now return to nursing my martini of tea, honey and gin, and my tomato bisque with sourdough croutons. Just because one is sick, doesn't mean one should suffer!