Friday, December 31, 2010

College Bans 'Viral' and 'Epic' for 2011 - The Daily Beast

College Bans 'Viral' and 'Epic' for 2011 - The Daily Beast

Where was this pearl of wisdom last night when I was trolling the nets while trying to write my babbling post? Regardless, how could I Have forgotten "Ah-ha moment!?" I have one of those each time my Lamictal kicks in. One should only dare to dream to be so lucky.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Be Gone, Stupid Words!!

End Of Year Lists abound, and my happy place on the nets here is no exception to it. Granted, in order to keep myself honest, I plan to post my resolutions on here to be marveled at and made fun of. But I also have a list of my own that needs to be purged from my always agitated mind; Words That I Wish To Never Hear Again in 2011!

At first I did a quick look to see if there was anything official on the interwebs to back up my selections of words that suck it. But alas, all I could find were the same office place buzzwords that were totally annoying back in 2007 when I actually had a reason to care about that shit.

With much disappointment, I did find Epic/Win/Fail listed as words that need to die. They have a special place in my heart, as I worship at the site of from time to time. But I'll admit, I'm just as guilty of Epic/Win/Fail as most of the rest of the world under the age of 25. I'm too old to be saying anything is "for the win." I should probably just admire Epic/Win/Fail from afar at this point. Though it may still slip out from time to time.

So here's my list, which I reserve the right to edit as I see fit as more words pop into my head. I'm also taking suggestions from the four of you who read this for words that annoy the poo-pants off you as well. It's always good to bounce ideas off of other people who may want to gag at the same prose you do.

Without further adieu, Words That I Wish To Never Hear Again in 2011!

* Swagger: I blame Ke$ha personally for that craptastic lyric, which now seems to be in every song in every mashup that I try to enjoy while working out. Sadly, the bastard cousin of "swagger" seems to be "sway", which is just as annoying, if not more so. Though I guess nothing rhymes with "pomp and circumstance", so Pop Music Making beggars can't be choosers. But I stand firm, swagger sucks, and sway sucks more.

* Due to witnessing a traumatic, literary train wreck, "nips" and "whimpers" make my list of words that need to not be used in 2011. I realize that banishing them being use in their proper form should be excluded. For example, "Please pass me the box of cheese nips, or I will whimper in pain due to the epic fail cravings I'm having for them." But when used as verbs in badly constructed, one lining, porn, "nips" and "whimpers" is more boring as "came/come" and "moan." If you're going to e-fuck on the fly, I say use quality since you can't have quantity. Use of a Thesaurus or Jude Deveruax Book with Fabio on the Cover Fail.

You know what, I'm tossing "tremble" and "murmur" in there as well. I smell those two as a front runner for the 2011's list.

* Hun: I'm guilty of that too. But I admit I use it when I'm not conscious enough to actually remember the proper spelling of someone's name, or just their name in general.

* Tea Baggers: Ew. 'Nuff said. I don't care that it's quasi-political now. My ex was a closet porn daddy, as it seems so are the politicians who made that Freudian slip. (And I'm sure there's a EPIC group of them.) Maybe just drop the Tea theme all together? Gin and Tonic Party? Roofie Colada Party, as suggested by Glen Quagmier? I like the second one. Cheers!

And finally for now...

* Television Event: The Mister pointed out that every show now seems to be a self proclaimed "Television Event." I think he's right. I hold ABC as the Kings of the Television Event, especially where the Thursday night lineup is concerned. After the snuff film that was the spring season finale of Grey's Anatomy, and that multi-year mind fuck called Lost, I have no faith in anything referred to as a "Television Event." In a desperate attempt to keep up with Networking Programming Joneses' , NBC tried shoving "Television Event" right up all of our asses with a show actually CALLED The Event. But that went down in flames like Chris Brown's career every time he opens his mouth or tweets. At this point, to me a "Television Event" is any time they a commercial that has The Old Spice Guy and Peggy from the Discover Card back to back. See for yourself...

It's true, anything IS possible when your man smells like a man, and not like a lady!! Knowledge like that is an event on to itself. Thank you, Old Spice, for schooling us all!!

Peggy makes me want to bust out a threadbare Coogi Sweater and hit a little cow bell every time someone asks me a question that I do not know the answer to. Maybe "cowbell" sound can be my new version of "hun?" I can see it. *Ding!*

That's right! I'm on a horse, having happy times, FTW!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Doogie Howser/Victor Newman Bitch Fight Lives On!

Read the EPIC AWESOMENESS that is, and you will see why I bow to Michael K. once on the daily and suck his ass with all the pride a pop culture whore can have!!

The Doogie Howser/Victor Newman Bitch Fight Lives On!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tis The Season!!

Last Friday I had the pleasure of dining with the amazingly awesome Jen. We had a hot lunch date, and upon getting to the Party in Hades known as “the mall parking lot,” I received a text from Jen warning me that “bitches are cutting each other for parking spaces.”

A few weeks ago, poor KayDee had her brand, spankin’ new car keyed by some lunatic who couldn’t bare the fact she’d have to walk a few extra feet to get to the front door of whatever Big Box store she was going to spend her rent check in.

What’s up with that? Why all the parking lot hate? It’s just a spot to stick your car while you spend money you don’t have on shit no one really needs? Maybe that’s where the REAL rage comes from? Not from the repetitive, circular driving, all the while being stuck behind some chick who is going one mile an hour, investigating every spot she comes across just to make sure there’s a car actually in it before she moves on to the next, bumper to bumper isle.

Personally, I try and spare myself the agony. I have long sucked at the Honey Pot of Parking Lot Etiquette to have a solution that works for me.

May I suggest...

...don’t try and park in the good spots. Go park in the depths of hell, way far away. Park so far that your spot could possibly be in another zip code, and you need a shuttle bus to get to and from the store to your car trunk. Park so far away that it’s easier to send the shit you just bought to your house Fed Ex rather than carry it to your car.


Because no one else wants your damned spot, and you don’t have to take your life into your hands to get it. No one is getting cut for the shit spots, and no one is getting keyed. If anyone is trying to cut or key you in the hell-spot, then run like hell, because odds are it’s a serial killer. No one in their right mind should be slumming in these places to begin with. Bring mace and a GPS. You just never know. But at least you can drive and park all easy peasy like, and there’s something to be said for that.

Try this simple approach next time you find yourself begging for mercy to the Parking Lot Gods. I think you’ll be satisfied with the results. At the very least, you won’t get cut by a bitch, and that’s just a gift that keeps on giving.

Happy Merry to you all!



Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Leather Bar

So, let me ask you. If you see a chain wrapped around a few black bars of a back gate in an alley...

...let me get you a visual...

Photobucket you think "SAFETY FIRST! This place is VERY CONCERNED with security and the well being of its residents!"

Or do you think "Awesome!! I knew we'd find that underground, back alley, sub-dom-leather, bar if we just looked hard enough! Now, what was the safety word? Assessment? Sounds good. First round's on me."

Sadly, our current property manager thinks it's the first one. She seems to think that it's ok to wrap a thin chain around a few bars in a decorative manner and call it repaired/secured. Maybe if it was just up there for a night or two, it would be ok. But (also) sadly, I'm thinking it's been about a month, and it's still there. *fist pump!*

It calls to Thugs and Thuglets alike with its "IT'S TOTALLY COOL TO BREAK IN HERE" Bat Signal. It dares them to rip off the first pair of bolt cutters they can find to steal the chain itself, if just for no other reason than to prove that the best security is the kind that doesn't make your gangway look like the entrance to a Rave.

Tomorrow is our condo association meeting. If I happen to see a Thug(let) I may ask him to take the chain off for me, so I can hand deliver it to our Property Manager with a festive Christmas bow, and then begin my rant of why she's full of fail. But that would be rude, and wouldn't get me much honey. Plus, she's fired. The Christmas Gift the condo association gave to us all is that she'll be gone in less than 25 days! Very Merry, indeed!

So I guess in the meantime, I'll just stand at the back gate in my best duds from Forever 21, blast some Pitbull, and charge a cover to the other owners here whenever they try and get into their home. Maybe I'll reinvest the money into getting a better chain? I like to give back that way!

*Update as of 12/10/10 The gate chain is gone! Now I'm left with 10 flats of Red Bull and 200 glow sticks. I guess I can save them for New Years, or maybe to rejoice the day that I get both published and paid for the same body of work. One can only dream.

*Update as of 12/29-ish: My key broke in the front gate lock AGAIN, and sadly I had no choice but to suck at the teet of our soon to be ousted Property Manager to get another one. Yes, she was courteous and timely. I am pleased to say I was pleasantly surprised about that fact.

What's making me tattle on her ass on here, is that I suggested putting a sign up on the front informing residents that the lock is busted, and I feel as if she wagged the "yer a dummy finger" at me. She pointed out to me that doing that is an invitation for low lives to freely enter our courtyard to raise hell and what have you. Perhaps she's right? Being so blatant with our busted ass door and it's ills isn't the wisest thing. But I was thinking that since it was damned near zero out, and the middle of the night, maybe residents would want the heads up that their attempts to get into their homes through the front would be in vain until the morning. Also should they want to get inside to their cozy, warm beds and plasmas, they best trudge to the back so they can try their luck with a working key there, or use the garbage bin to help them scale the fence for entry way liberation.

That's right! Only safety first for us! Tis true, some owners that live here have had to break into their own courtyard through the back because Property Management can't seem to get consistently working keys for the Rave Gate for everyone who lives here. But my suggestion to point out the obvious was a bad one. No Jesus Juice for her during my next time I throw a back alley rave! And double the cover charge in an attempt to get some of my assessments back!