Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Suck it, August!

Well, there’s about 9 hours left in the August of Hell, and I look forward to it’s banishment into the back caverns of the deepest, darkest hole of my med-soaked mind.

I’m not going to list out all of the shiteous things that have happened during this crap ass month, because it’s all relative. But I will say this, it’s been a long 31 days, and August isn’t dragging it's sorry ass out of the proverbial bathroom window with any kind of self respect.

Instead, August took a final moment last night to bless my evening walk on the beach with a show of a manhunt in Lake Michigan to attempt to dig up some poor soul who ignored the “no swimming” sign. At first, I thought it was just an over ambitious waste of tax payers money. It’s when the helicopters showed up to search the water, and saw the search dogs take steaming dumps in the sand is when I realized that the noxious, stank-fart that is this August carries on. And on. And on...

So, here’s to fall!! Bring on the cold. Bring on the football. Bring on the cozy sweaters. Bring on my ugly ass, but awesome Hunter Boots!! Bring on hot toddies! Bring on yummy pot luck dinners. Bring on friends and family far and wide, seen and unseen. Bring it all. Just don’t bring any more crap like the past 31 days have brought. If that’s the case, bring on the cash money I need to go see Sheryl, my former therapist. She probably needs the money for some new Prada boots anyway.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Trolloping at the Beach

First off, let’s just look up the word “trollop.” According to UrbanDictionary.com, trollop means this...

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a loose woman, a whore, a lady of the night, a slut ho biotech!
"your mother is such a complete trollop"

And oddly, this as well...

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1.) Cindy McCain, as defined by John McCain in a 1992 senate campaign bid. It was a long day.
2.) A whore; a woman perceived as sexually disreputable or promiscuous.
"Cindy: You're getting a litte thin up there (twirling John's hair)
John: At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you See You Next Tuesday."

....I had to leave that last word off of there because my Mother in Law is reading this.

HI MOM!! *Waves*

Also, as you can see, if you’d like to purchase your Trollop mug, tshirt, or magnet, urbandictionary.com can hook you up! I have a few already in the mail for stocking stuffers for this upcoming holiday season.

But back to our blog here....

I’m not sure what Cindy McCain has to do with being a whore, but ok. Maybe in Arizona they just like a little dirty talk before they loose elections or shun immigrants and what have you. But judging from the true definition of the word, I’m thinking that Cindy McCain is the opposite of a trollop.

HOWEVER...this toothless, shirt stained, epic muffin top, ho-bag (with feet cracked so badly you could run a white water rafting trip on her heels,) I saw at the beach today may beg to differ.

Because I pretty much never take my Ipod earbuds out of my ears when in public by myself, people say some crazy shit within ear shot of me. On this occasion, Toothless Ho Bag was informing her two toothless, shirt stained, epic muffin topped friends that there was a “Trollop” their midst, trolloping about the sand, and polluting the beach with her trollopness, It was explained that the offending Trollop in question was a ginger, lacking a bra, and that she was so ugly that Toothless’ Ho Bag’s boyfriend would pay the Trollop money NOT to give him hand tuggies in the bathroom at the Shit Show Movie Theater across the street.

Given this amazingly in depth description, I just had to go see this Trollop for myself. And sure enough, there she was in all of her Trollop glory. She was easy to spot. Said Trollop was sitting quietly by herself, dicking around with her Iphone and designer dog, and sipping pure spring, cruelty free water from her $30 Sigg Canteen.

Yup. The Trollop wasn’t really a trollop as she was more of a Fuckin’ Hippie. The only part Toothless Ho Bag got right, was that Trollop Hippie wasn’t wearing a bra.

So what’s the moral of the story? Did I do the polite thing, and explain to Toothless Ho Bag the difference between a Trollop and a Fucking Hippie? I mean, knowledge is power, no? The more you know and all that bullshit...

Or did I explain to the Fucking Hippie that since she can afford (in my estimation) about $500 in accouterment to slum at the beach in style, she can probably afford a bra as well?

I did neither. Actually, I turned the music up and got the hell out of there. Between the trollops, toothless ho bags, and fucking hippies, I realized that the beach was no place for wholesome, moral people like myself. Then I rushed home to watch The Jersey Shore from last week on the DVR. I needed to be caught up for tonight.

I’m calling this one a Honey Wash. It was a loose-loose, in my estimation. Though the dog was cute, and probably aptly named “Cindy McCain.”

Trollop. The word of the day. Use it the next time you see a Fucking Hippie.

Until next time...Happy Trolloping To You!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

That's just the kind of gal she was...

Last Thursday, my plans for the day didn’t go as I had hoped they would. Shit happens, whaddygonnado?

I had both lunch and dinner plans with two women of braun and brains, wit and wisdom. Every moment I spend in the company of both of them is more than time well spent, it’s time that’s locked away in the bank of memories, and stories that I tell to other friends about how awesome these two are. Colleen and Noelle, two awesome chicks, bad ass and rad, all the way.

Happily, I was able to reschedule my plans with Colleen to the week after next. We’ll be ladies that lunch, talk some smack about people we mutually think suck it raw, and muse over the trappings of mundane life and what have you. Usual things that lunch ladies yammer on about over soup served in small crocks with baked cheese, and salads with dried cranberries in them.

Noelle; our plans can’t be rescheduled, her name jotted down in my calendar not once, but twice, to save the date. She passed away on the night we were supposed to see each other.

About once a month, Noelle and I get together and go to our sacred place of sisterhood, a place we affectionately call The Coulo Cantina. The margaritas are heavy on both the cheap tequila and pureed mango, just the way we like them. The guacamole is to die for, the chimichanga she likes is fried in week old grease, and the video jukebox ala 1990-something is on a constant rotation of every Shakira performance ever. The check is served with a shot of Bailey’s. It’s random, but we love it. Case closed.

Noelle had to reschedule our Coulo Cantina date because the open road beckoned to her, and she followed her calling. Noelle’s passion was her motorcycle. With her own two hands, blood-sweat-and-tears, and many woman hours, she built that thing from the shell up. I believe she said it was a black Suzuki 2000, and it was her bambino.

She dropped me an email letting me know that she was headed west with a group of her biker cohorts on a last minute trip to Colorado. More so, she was going with a guy she was on the fence about bedding, and couldn’t wait to get back to spill the results of her Rocky Mountain Booty Call on Cantina night.

For a few days, she updated her Facebook page with pictures and blurbs about her trip. Both Iowa and Nebraska were listed as big “yawns!” When she got to Colorado, her exact words were “Colorado kicks ass!! It's where motorcycles go for vacation! Amazing roads everywhere!! on Wednesday”

By Thursday evening she was gone. Despite her avid commitment to motorcycle safety, (she didn’t step foot near her bike without her helmet and gear) she wasn’t able to tame the roads she was so romanced by.

I didn’t find out the news that the world was deprived of Noelle and her total awesomeness until Saturday. Her sister sent me a Facebook message, asking me if I was aware of what happened to her, and I should call her when I have a moment. I didn’t need to call her to know what she was going to say. I guess I needed to call her not to find out that(or how) Noelle left us, but rather when.

Noelle’s gift was her humor. It was infectious, and addictive. Whenever we got together, I was always gifted a mental souvenir from her. It was usually vocabulary. When you see me refer to something as “the suck,” that was her. If I say I wanted to “punch them in the tit,” that was her too. She said I’m the one that made her vocabulary more colorful. But I assure you, it was the other way around.

If you are enjoying some of the links on my page, like The Beth and Val Show, and This Is Why You’re Fat, that was her. Shit My Dad Says, her too. So, she touched your life as well. That’s just the kind of gal she was.

Noelle never judged me, no matter what kind of fucked up shit I told her. She’d just smile, fill up my glass, and say something both wise and witty. When I told her of my plans to adopt, not babies, but two boys just on the verge of their teenage years, instead of telling me all of the reasons why it was a bad idea, she pointed out of the reasons that it was fantastic idea. That was just the kind of gal she was.

But most of all, Noelle was one of the biggest advocates of me getting off my lazy ass and writing. It was the only thing she ever really razzed me about. That is why I dedicated this blog to her in my very first post. I wanted everyones whose eyes saw this, to know that she is a source of my inspiration.

Traditionally, I’m supposed to be sobbing my eyes out, looking up at the sky and demanding to know from God why he’d take someone so awesome from a place that needed more people like her. But, I don’t think Noelle would dig on that too much. Sure, I cry a little here and there, because I’m going to miss my friend. But she really was the type of girl who wanted to celebrate everything, so crying is something she’d punch me in the tit for. And a part of me thinks that God took her because her maybe she was so awesome, he wanted her for himself. Maybe God needed bike lessons, or a good chimichanga?

Here’s a picture of my girl, Noelle, about to ride easy and ride dirty at the same time...


I think I still may go on our dinner date, drink her half of the mango margarita, and eat her half of the guacamole, just like normal. I’ll play She Wolf for her twice, just to get her gag.

I know she’s up there, a smoke hanging out of her mouth, wondering what the big deal is about. She’s the big deal. She was just that kind of gal.

Miss you like a fat kid misses cake, Lady. I will see you at the great Coulo Cantina in the sky....xoxo

Noelle ~ December 19, 1969 - August 5, 2010

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I'm Horrible!!!

It used to be that when one would come across someone who was rude, they were filled with shock and awe. It was so out of the social norm to act like an asshole right in there in the wide open. It was almost as if seeing some uncouth fool was like looking at a unicorn up close and personal. A rarity to be marveled at, so you could tell glorified stories of to your friends at a later date, so they could be in shock and awe as well.

Sadly, in this new and modern age of asshattery, I’ve come to realize that there is a new norm, causing me to yearn for what once was. The old rule is now inside out; I completely expect people to be obnoxious, and I’m in shock and awe when they aren’t. I wish I could give out gold stars to the do-gooders who take a few moments out of their day to make the world a better place, one act of politeness at a time.

The inspiration for my Punk Ass Oprah A-Ha Moment was brought on by an experience I had over this past weekend. The first was when I was leaving my courtyard of death hell, where all manners and social graces are forsaken like a woman of ill repute on the streets of Jack The Ripper’s London.

With cat carrier and purse in tow, I staggered my way to the front gate, to see two of my neighbors making a living room out of the easement, yet again. However, this time, a woman I’ve never met, was kind enough to get the gate for me. I was pleasantly surprised, and more so, totally grateful. Navigating our tricked out gate lock isn’t for the weak, even if you’re telekinetic.

It was the Jerkwad she was that gets to wear The Paper Crown of Rude that caused me to stop in my tracks and actually take the time to stare him down and give him the stink eye.

“And here’s me just ignoring her. I know, I’m horrible.”

That’s what he says, with me not even out of earshot. If he kept his pie hole shut, I would have just assumed he didn’t offer to help me because the woman he was with did. But au contrare, he was well aware of his behavior. If this woman didn’t help me out, despite balancing the cat, my purse, and picking the lock like a juggling savant, Jerkwad would have acted like I don’t exist, leaving me to fend for myself like a damn fool.

I’d like to add, that I have never spoken to this man before. I’m not sure I even know his name. I think it’s Jerkwad. Nonetheless, if the roles were reversed, I of course would have helped him. Not just because it’s neighborly, but also because I wouldn’t want this guy to think I’m a fucking asshole. He, however, is all good with me thinking that about him. Mission accomplished!!

Or maybe Jerkwad is friends with Punk and his lazy dog, and it’s a conspiracy? Be all shitty to the girl who only wants to get in and out of the gate. I can see how that would be a fun way to spend an afternoon for two lonely men who have nothing but their cracked, brick walls, and a high assessment bill.

At this point, It’s safe to say, that as far as some of my neighbors go, I have come to expect nothing less than bullshit like this on such a fundamental level.

There is also another incident I'd like to mention, which isn’t really worth a story, but rather a PSA and word to the wise.

It is my wish for all in the world, to one day for all to have the manners to introduce people to each other when the situation calls for it.

For example, if you are...say...having a conversation with someone and you happen to see someone else that comes and joins you, I ask you to please, please take a quick moment to say, “So and so, this is so and so...” Then, if you like, a quick reference of how you two know each other. Then, do so in kind, in reverse. That way, your two acquaintances can take a moment to exchange their own pleasantries before you go about the business of kicking your first conversation to the curb and ice out your original guest.

It isn’t a complicated notion, nor is it one that is particularly unreasonable. It just seems to be a lost art; the act of a proper introduction. I really wish that was one of those things that could leave me in shock and awe, but it really does happen so often that I’ve learned to just walk away on queue or bust out my phone to check my Twatter feed. If I’m about to be ignored, I feel I must self sooth by seeing what stupid crap my favorite celebrity is tweeting.about.with.a.period.after.every.word.

Also, a word to the wise, don’t try and get to know your favorite celebrity on a social forum. They will only disappoint you. In my case, I discovered this particular celeb probably bats for the opposite team. So much for my torrid love.in.an.elevator fantasies. Also this celeb probably is a pedantic thespian. That’s the worst kind of thespian there is. What a waste.

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What’s the point, really? I could always introduce myself, and today, I did, only for my “host” to pretty much admit the same thing Jerkwad did, that they were “horrible.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think being “horrible” is a good enough justification for the behavior. I'd prefer some honesty about it, that perhaps you just don't give a shit. If there was open admittance with that, I think I'd feel better about it, and could at least respect the fact that in your realm of social caste, I don't mean jack shit. At least then I know where I stand.

So what would the bee with the honey do? Jerkwad and the front gate is a lost cause. Though if I wouldn’t get busted I would think about thinking about leaving a bag of one of Biggie’s (that’s my fat pug) butt nuggets hanging in a plastic Target bag on his back door.

As for the introduction, I probably could have done that better by giving the HR smile, (which is when you smile ever so slightly to give the illusion that you’re not making a judgement, even though you TOTALLY are) making light out of the gaffe with a witty quip, and then excusing myself by taking all of my shit and just leaving them there.

When I did introduce myself, I didn’t do a good job of masking my momentary disdain for the person I was with, which wasn’t appropriate for the stranger. It wasn’t Strangers responsibility to make the introduction. Also, just because my “host” is rude, doesn’t mean that I should be. So, I was a bit "horrible" as well.

Now I know for the next time, at least. If I see a stranger coming, smile up, hand out, phone with livestream twatter feed away. I can do it! I know I can!!