Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Leather Bar

So, let me ask you. If you see a chain wrapped around a few black bars of a back gate in an alley...

...let me get you a visual...


..do you think "SAFETY FIRST! This place is VERY CONCERNED with security and the well being of its residents!"

Or do you think "Awesome!! I knew we'd find that underground, back alley, sub-dom-leather, bar if we just looked hard enough! Now, what was the safety word? Assessment? Sounds good. First round's on me."

Sadly, our current property manager thinks it's the first one. She seems to think that it's ok to wrap a thin chain around a few bars in a decorative manner and call it repaired/secured. Maybe if it was just up there for a night or two, it would be ok. But (also) sadly, I'm thinking it's been about a month, and it's still there. *fist pump!*

It calls to Thugs and Thuglets alike with its "IT'S TOTALLY COOL TO BREAK IN HERE" Bat Signal. It dares them to rip off the first pair of bolt cutters they can find to steal the chain itself, if just for no other reason than to prove that the best security is the kind that doesn't make your gangway look like the entrance to a Rave.

Tomorrow is our condo association meeting. If I happen to see a Thug(let) I may ask him to take the chain off for me, so I can hand deliver it to our Property Manager with a festive Christmas bow, and then begin my rant of why she's full of fail. But that would be rude, and wouldn't get me much honey. Plus, she's fired. The Christmas Gift the condo association gave to us all is that she'll be gone in less than 25 days! Very Merry, indeed!

So I guess in the meantime, I'll just stand at the back gate in my best duds from Forever 21, blast some Pitbull, and charge a cover to the other owners here whenever they try and get into their home. Maybe I'll reinvest the money into getting a better chain? I like to give back that way!

*Update as of 12/10/10 The gate chain is gone! Now I'm left with 10 flats of Red Bull and 200 glow sticks. I guess I can save them for New Years, or maybe to rejoice the day that I get both published and paid for the same body of work. One can only dream.

*Update as of 12/29-ish: My key broke in the front gate lock AGAIN, and sadly I had no choice but to suck at the teet of our soon to be ousted Property Manager to get another one. Yes, she was courteous and timely. I am pleased to say I was pleasantly surprised about that fact.

What's making me tattle on her ass on here, is that I suggested putting a sign up on the front informing residents that the lock is busted, and I feel as if she wagged the "yer a dummy finger" at me. She pointed out to me that doing that is an invitation for low lives to freely enter our courtyard to raise hell and what have you. Perhaps she's right? Being so blatant with our busted ass door and it's ills isn't the wisest thing. But I was thinking that since it was damned near zero out, and the middle of the night, maybe residents would want the heads up that their attempts to get into their homes through the front would be in vain until the morning. Also should they want to get inside to their cozy, warm beds and plasmas, they best trudge to the back so they can try their luck with a working key there, or use the garbage bin to help them scale the fence for entry way liberation.

That's right! Only safety first for us! Tis true, some owners that live here have had to break into their own courtyard through the back because Property Management can't seem to get consistently working keys for the Rave Gate for everyone who lives here. But my suggestion to point out the obvious was a bad one. No Jesus Juice for her during my next time I throw a back alley rave! And double the cover charge in an attempt to get some of my assessments back!

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