Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tis The Season!!

Last Friday I had the pleasure of dining with the amazingly awesome Jen. We had a hot lunch date, and upon getting to the Party in Hades known as “the mall parking lot,” I received a text from Jen warning me that “bitches are cutting each other for parking spaces.”

A few weeks ago, poor KayDee had her brand, spankin’ new car keyed by some lunatic who couldn’t bare the fact she’d have to walk a few extra feet to get to the front door of whatever Big Box store she was going to spend her rent check in.

What’s up with that? Why all the parking lot hate? It’s just a spot to stick your car while you spend money you don’t have on shit no one really needs? Maybe that’s where the REAL rage comes from? Not from the repetitive, circular driving, all the while being stuck behind some chick who is going one mile an hour, investigating every spot she comes across just to make sure there’s a car actually in it before she moves on to the next, bumper to bumper isle.

Personally, I try and spare myself the agony. I have long sucked at the Honey Pot of Parking Lot Etiquette to have a solution that works for me.

May I suggest...

...don’t try and park in the good spots. Go park in the depths of hell, way far away. Park so far that your spot could possibly be in another zip code, and you need a shuttle bus to get to and from the store to your car trunk. Park so far away that it’s easier to send the shit you just bought to your house Fed Ex rather than carry it to your car.


Because no one else wants your damned spot, and you don’t have to take your life into your hands to get it. No one is getting cut for the shit spots, and no one is getting keyed. If anyone is trying to cut or key you in the hell-spot, then run like hell, because odds are it’s a serial killer. No one in their right mind should be slumming in these places to begin with. Bring mace and a GPS. You just never know. But at least you can drive and park all easy peasy like, and there’s something to be said for that.

Try this simple approach next time you find yourself begging for mercy to the Parking Lot Gods. I think you’ll be satisfied with the results. At the very least, you won’t get cut by a bitch, and that’s just a gift that keeps on giving.

Happy Merry to you all!




  1. People getting crazy over parking spots, yeah that’s a sure sign that their one step closer to crazy town. I always park far away because I like to ‘pull through’ so I don’t have to ‘back up’. It doesn’t take more than a few extra minutes to get to the store if you park far away. Plus you get the benefit of getting a short walk as well.

  2. Thanks for the shout out and spreading the cautionary tale. Least insurance covered it and I didn't get cut for real.