Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Bees In Real Time

I interrupt the blog I was in the process of writing...

...and rewriting...

..and rewriting...

...and REwriting..

..in order to bring you this breaking news. The Winter Bees have not let the winter blues beat them down.

Snowstorms are like major family events, such as weddings or funerals. It’ll either bring out the best in people, or the total ass damned worst. It’s dog eat dog during a Chicago snowstorm. God forbid if anyone cut anybody any slack.

If you may, please observe this scene from where all the good shit happens in my life. The alley.


On the left, you will see a van from Direct TV, obviously there on a service call, or to score some low cost, back alley Ritalin, also known as Strattera. On the right you will see an open garage door, an unseen very pissy lady inside, honking her horn an ass-ton, and shouting curses to the sky.

Her complaint, she’s blocked in her garage. Which, she may or may not be. I would say it depends on your vantage point and her skill. From my judgement, it looks to me like there’s a good enough amount of room for her to wiggle her way out of her spot, despite the snow and all.

Unless she’s driving P. Diddy’s Hummer Stretch Limo circa 2006, or she’s a seriously shiteous city driver, I’m not sure what the problem is. Drive your shit and pray, just like the rest of us do when the going gets tough and the tough call in from work and shizz.

Instead, she sat on her horn and yelled to the air that she was calling a tow truck. Why she didn’t call Direct TV, talk to the dispatch, and have them contact the driver to have him come move his crap...that I do not know. That seems a lot simpler and quieter than yelling to the world “DAMN YOU DIRECT TV! DAMN YOU TO HELL!”

Alright, well maybe not THAT dramatic. But I’m trying to set a tone here.

I don’t think that the Direct TV guy had planned that he was going to sequester this chick to her garage. I think the poor dude was like, “Shit. it’s snowing ass buckets, I have to do these service calls no matter how much it sucks ass outside. I’m so happy my job requires me to scale a roof in treacherous conditions. Lemme just stop what I’m doing so I can move my car that’s not in the way, and climb up here TWICE, because I’m not paid enough to take my life into my own hands only one time whilst in the field.”

At the same time, she’s probably all like “Damnit, why do I have to drive in this shit? Why didn’t I keep my kid home from school today? Oh..because she’s annoying, and I need her out of the house from 9 to 3, or I loose my freakin’ mind every time she wants to have a three hour screaming match over gumballs. But, now she’s screwed. She's the only kid left at school, because everyone else has to take the fucking bus.”

For what it's worth, I don't think the tow truck would have been able to do anything. As you can see, the van wasn't officially blocking entry/exit to her garage. It was on city property, pulled over to the side, and easily passible. That makes this woman, in my book, officially a pant wetter. Thumbs down to that! No honey for her!

Hopefully this tale had a happy ending. As of right now, the van is gone, the garage door is closed, and my husband wants me to stop fuckin’ around the alley as if I’m Brenda Starr, and make his ass some dinner.


PS: So much for that whole “not swearing as much” thing. Maybe better luck next year.

Or tomorrow. I’m no quitter. That’s why it took me so long to get through rehab.


  1. I don't know hunny...I think you too would have been not so pleased with not having the whole alley to pull out of that garage with the love of your life...your Jetta ("My Prescious").

  2. She looked like she had enough room to get out. One time at work a semi-truck was parked in front of my car. I had two cars parked on both sides of me and with only two feet between us it was impossible to get out. So I went out and asked the driver to pull forward. Nobody was in front of him and there plenty of room for him to move forward. Guess what he said? He said no. He told me he was waiting for somebody and wasn’t going to move. I said you only have to move a few feet so I can back out my car. He said no. Needless to say I threw the biggest bitch fit and laid on my horn until he moved forward 5 or 6 feet. Really the guy was douche.

  3. He WAS a douche! He sounds like blog fodder.

  4. I think she coulda made it out but then again I see Bob's point. I'm very protective of Baby (my Jetta) too.