Monday, July 19, 2010

Open Letters To The Past

I admit, this letter is rude, rude, rude. When I wrote it, I planned on being the only one who ever saw it. Unless of course, the Merlot was still flowing strong at 2:00 AM, and the Real Housewhores of Everywhere Marathon was over, giving me nothing to do but send pissy letters to people from the past for no other reason than a self dare.

Whew! Let that sentence just run on and on.

However, given the circumstances, as you will soon read, I think my note was completely justifiable, if not downright civil. I leave it to you to be the judge.

Dear Dude from HS who keeps adding me on FB, even though I've deleted you twice,

I understand why you do it though. You like numbers. I make number 145. It's good to be popular on a social forum so you can sleep at night with the comfort that your glory days from the late 80's can linger on now that you're fat and bald.

Like so many people in my little book here, I have such fond memories of you.  You taught me that gratuitous groping should always be followed with at the very least, a fake attempt to ask if it was good for me.  Which it wasn't. 

Sadly, I ran into you many years later at a fancy cocktail party where you were WAY out of your social caste.  My friend at the time decided to take pity on you, and take you home for the night and attempt to make a man out of you. It humored us both that you apologized to ME for never calling her again after that wasted evening.  However, your vantage point of the situation was greatly skewed; it was SHE who never called you, as it wasn't good for her either.

So here you are, still adding me on FB.  You never say a word, but I'm sure you're having a sneaky peek around my page. No worries, we all do it.  I looked at yours to see if you had anything interesting to say, which of course and as history dictated, you don't.

So, savor your look now, and enjoy the view.  I hope you have a few laughs at the witty repartee of my friends, and learn new tidbits about me.  I like romantic songs, holding hands while walking on the beach, and guys who know what to do with a pair of tits.

Pushing them together does not make one big one,

I probably should just delete the guy. The only reason I took the FR was so he'd stop adding me. I didn't think his existence was offensive enough to be so severe as to block him. Actually, I thought blocking him would be rude. He wasn't a criminal, just boring and a craptastic booty call. How he sired two kids I will never know. His wife must either have low standards, or pulled a Paris Hilton by keeping the phone handy in case he was feeling ambitious.

Update: As of July 26th, 2010, I deleted him. It was liberating, as now my own friend count is at a nice, even number. Sweet synchronicity, at long last!

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