It’s a cold day in the hottest part of hell when I get a Friend Request. Once in a while, someone I actually want to hear from will pop up and say hi. It’s always truly lovely when that happens. I really do enjoy hearing about what’s new in their lives, and that all has been well during the many years that have gone by. I’ve happily been reconnected with friends that I thought I would never hear from again. Now that they’re back in my life, I realize how much I missed them when they were gone.
But it’s more often the case that when the wind of the Friend Request blows the fire my way, it’ll be from a former co-worker whom once I probably e-stalked for HR dirt work, only to find a topless photo of them on their Shitspace page.
She was in management too.
Today, I received a Friend Request from a former coworker whom I forgot existed right after I cashed my last paycheck. He's become quite the connoisseur of contacts. He has friends of 500+, clearly thinking he’s on Facebook to network. He's unlike the bulk of us who are there for the stalking of ex’s to make sure that they’re now fat and ugly, and that their new partners are even fatter and uglier than they are.
Given that my friend list is small, as I try to keep it to the handful of people who have laughed with me, and not at me, I’m not too keen on having this dude all up in my business.
More so, my relationship with him doesn’t extend any further than the fact that I:
A: Mistook him for a woman the first time I heard his voice on a phone.
B: Filled out his new hire paperwork in less than ten minutes flat because my then internet boyfriend was four time zones away. It was more of priority to get in my daily dose of Deutsch loving rather than actually spending time with this freak of a new hire, of whom I was convinced would be escorted out of the building by weeks end.
and C: My two bosses would accuse the other of hiring him, neither one wanting to take responsibility for the social troll sitting in the bathroom stall sized cubby in the back of the office.
Albeit, he was a nice guy, and it seems that he’s made something of a success of himself since I last spoke to him over ten years ago. I mean, he must have. If he’s connected to 567 people that he feels he needs to keep in touch with, he must have brushed up on his conversation skills, or invested in a voice box to make him sound more like a man so people take him seriously.
He was proper enough to send a small message with his request, listing off a myriad of people from our former office, all of which I had happily forgotten ever existed. His attempt, I’m sure, was to remind me of how I knew him. But I could never forget The Dude Who Sounded Like Lady?
(A quick search of his friend list was clearly devoid of my former boss, proving that she and I are on the same page. Or perhaps he just hadn’t done enough digging to add yet one more person to his giant list of everyone he’s ever met EVER?)
So what did I do? Was I FB politically correct, and accepted the request despite myself? Or did I act a fool?
I simply ignored the request, which seems like a reasonable thing to do, given that I don’t want to have shit to do with him. However, my tendency to impulsively delete people usually gives me an odd sense of Deleters Remorse. After all, if this guy was courteous enough to reach out, as well as send a respectable note, the least I could have done was replied in kind.
Perhaps a simple, “Thank you for contacting me. My page is for close friends and family only. Feel free to reach me on my abandoned Linkedin page, where adding everyone you’ve ever met EVER may actually benefit you in some way."
Now that I think of it...let me go check that shizz just in case.
Oh...oh wait..there he is, all LINKED IN and everything.
None the less, I should have had the manners to reply to him.
If he’s the kind of FB Friend Collector that I suspect him to be, I have the inkling that this won’t be the last time I hear from him. Perhaps I’ll be able to have a FR Denial Do Over for good FB Karma. One can only hope....